Monday, 27 February 2012

You are never alone...

I had the chance to chat with a close friend today, the topic of coming out came up a few times, He wanted to know how i did it, if it was easy and if i can give him any advice.

When i got back home i started thinking about the conversation i had less than 30 min ago, reliving some of the fear on his face and voice. It made me realise that i had it relatively easy coming out, i can say that now since i have been out and proud for a few years already, but back then it seems like what was the most terrifying thing to do.

For years i hid who i was, acting like my straight friends i got away with it all, no one had any idea that i was gay. That all took its toll when i lay in my bed late at night, often crying myself asleep because of living a double life and the stress that came with that. Always being aware that any mistake you made could out me, any look i gave someone could betray me and expose my lie.

All the stress and the fear of being caught eventually convinced me that living two lives is not something i want to do for even one day more than i have to. Even as little as 6 years ago coming out was not easy, people often got met with disgust and disappointment. For me the disappointment was the main thing that fuelled the fear of coming out to my parents. I am not saying that i am scared of my parents, they are not monsters, i was scared of hurting them more than i am hurting myself.

My mom worked as a receptionist when i made this choice to tell her everything. For six weeks it took everything i had in me not to break down every time i saw her or my dad, finding the strength to go and speak to her was however not that easy, during those six weeks i must have walked over to her office a few times a day, then i would look at her from across the street see her smile and turn back too scared that i will never see that smile again if i go ahead with coming out.

One sunny day i woke up and decided its now or never, walked over to my mom and her office, it was almost lunch time and she was alone there, Without taking a fresh breath of air i told her that i need to talk to her about something urgently, that's where i finally broke down and told her everything about my double lives. What she did next pissed me off like you would never believe, after all that, the stress of telling her, the fear of loosing her all she did was look at me, take my face between her hands and go " I am your mother, do you think i am blind, of course i know, you are my son and i love you no matter what"
I just stood there, in my mind i was shouting THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING lol eventually i just burst out in laughter, i cant stay angry at my mom after that lol

The rest of my immediate family accepted the news as if it was just news, nothing changed in their minds, i was still me.

I do realise that not all people are as forgiving as my family or friends, i am not going to sit here and tell you that it was not hard, because for me it was hard, fear and my mind made it hard for me. Some people react with anger even violence and disgust, but you know what, they will get over it. It might take some time but they will still love you even if it looks like they don't.

Look at it this way, its never easy for a mother to hear that her son is gay, its even worse for your dad and all the hopes and dreams he had for you, but they are your parents they will always love you no matter what, i admit that it could take time but you must do this for yourself not for a friend or even the love of your life.

Since that day it feels like the biggest weight has been lifted from my shoulders, i am free to be me and no one else. My relationship with my family and especially my dad improved, i am closer to my brother and my mom became my best friend.
My point with writing this is not to urge anyone to out them selves because they have to, i wanted to share this to show that it wasn't nearly as bad as i made it for myself, my mind made this much worse than it was, i realise that you don't know how people will react so don't assume the worst all the time.

Even if it goes badly, you must always remember one thing, there are many people, family and friends that will support you, that will never stop loving you for being gay, being gay doesn't change who you have always been, all it does is attach a label to you that you didn't ask for.

Please feel free to send me a mail if you need help, i can give advice or just listen, but at least you will not be alone in dealing with this. I am just a normal man with hope and love for my fellow man and a desire to help if i can.
All emails can be send to and i will personally answer each one.

No matter how bad things get, remember one short sentence, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!


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