Most people that know me are aware that i suffer from depression, that i am a difficult person to read and to get to know. Many see me making jokes, smiling and being a jack ass and make their own assumptions. But its also clear to me now that there are many more who do not know what i am or what i am dealing with. And by writing this i hope to accomplish two things,
One: Try and explain whats going on in my mind
Two: Open up myself for the world to see...
The last few years have been hard for me, mentally, physically and emotionally i am drained, tired to the point where its difficult to motivate myself to do many things.
I was asked a few days ago to write a piece of what happiness means to me, how i see it.
I sat down in front of my computer eager to start this challenge, to prove to myself that i am capable of more than i think.
I sat there for what seems like an eternity, yet i was not able to express what i am feeling. Its difficult for me to do that anyway, but writing it down was especially hard...and that surprised me.
You must understand, its very difficult to express yourself in words when you don't know what you are feeling. I can be happy one minute and a few seconds or minutes later all those feelings gets replaced with dark thoughts, anger and a bunch of other feelings that i do not yet understand. A small problem could escalate into a massive mental problem for me, simply because my mind always goes to its dark and gloomy place, and that is something i don't have control over.
I often feel like i am invisible to other people, like i am starting at the world though a big window, watching everyone live their lives, yet i am not apart of it. I know that it is not like that in real life, the problem is that the human brain is a powerful thing. It can make you believe or feel something even if you know its not the truth.
Its not all bad days though. Mostly i live a normal "happy" life, or as happy as i allow my self to be anyway. I know all to well that it can change at any minute, no warning, now signs that it will happen, it just does.
People have this idea in their heads that someone that is depressed will have doom and gloom on their minds 24/7. They could not be more wrong. I don't sit around and look for things to feel bad about, i don't wish for bad things to happen just so i can feel better, and i don't have the urge to hurt anyone or anything just because i am feeling down. For the most part i live a normal life. I am not a violent person, i have never been violent. I don't drink, i don't do drugs, i am a good person for all intensive purposes. The problem is that my brain doesn't always agree with it.
I know exactly when my problem began and what caused it. I was as normal as anyone reading this before i was told that my sister just died. It was downhill from that moment on. That night changed my life forever. Losing my sister meant losing my hope and my faith, something that i have not been able to get back no matter how hard i try. It caused me to pull away from my friends and family, in my mind if i wasn't that close then i wouldn't get hurt again. I know that's not how it works, but that is how i see things. It amplified my fears and what i think people think of me. The direct result of that night is a rift between me and the rest of the world, a barrier that i am unable to cross.
I have always been close to my mother for as long as i can remember, i love her, she is my best friend and probably one of the people that knows me the best. My dad and I, well that's another story. We have never been close, and i do not think we will ever be. I know my dad sees me as a disappointment, and i also know that the fact that i am Gay has a lot to do with that. We simply just can not sit down and have a normal conversation, being around him is like being around strangers, you never know what to do or say.
I start my day like any other person, i do normal things, but somewhere during the day my thoughts start to creep towards the dark and scary place that not many people ever see. From the outside i look happy, i joke, i smile and i carry on like the rest. Its inside that i am fighting a constant battle, a battle that is harder to win on some days than others. Self hate, anger, emotional outbursts, those are just some of what i have to keep under control almost every single day of my life. I`ve lost count how many times i just burst out in tears, so desperate to be myself yet it feels like the entire world is working against me to prevent that from happening. When I'm supposed to be sleeping my mind is a never ending debate where any action i did gets discussed, who did i disappoint, why do you allow people to use you etc. Its a debate that never ends. You always feel like you are not good enough, that, you let someone down, that you didn't do enough.
Its tiring second guessing your every move. More times than i would like to admit, my mind wanders into thoughts that no person should ever have, the feeling that the rest would be better off if you were not there eventually creeps into your mind. Its like a cancer, its small at first but if left alone it will consume you and fast! Suicide is never the answer, yet your brain constantly tries to make you believe that it will make every thing better. I have thought of many different ways to kill myself, every possible way imaginable, at one stage or another my brain took me there and it still does.
Luckily for me i started doing something i love, photography and music is what keeps me grounded and sorts the facts from the fiction. I am not a quitter, i don't give up easily and suicide is never the solution no matter how much better its seems.
I know many people will ask what the point of this post was, well its easy, its to show you that as happy as someone might seem, you never know what they feel inside. Jokes, a smile or even wealth does not show you who someone really is. Fooling another person is easy, being honest with yourself is not. Never give in to your thought and feelings, never assume that there is no way out, there is always a way out. Speaking to someone or write it down like i am doing now is a way to get back to reality. You cant pretend that it will go away if you ignore it, it will consume you if you try. If you are beyond that point, then seek help, family, friend or stranger if you need to, fuck, email me if you need to have a chat. I lost it today, i almost gave up. Don't let that be you! Don't let it get to the point where you cry yourself asleep. Where hate takes over your heart. I am leaving you with something i wrote a long time ago, it now serves as a reminder that never ever go back to that place. when i wrote that i was preparing myself for the worst...
Drifting AwayLie back, close your eyes, do you hear that?
You love that smell, its raining.
Suddenly the world is beautiful, its wet, and full of life.
Raindrops dance across the grounds, nothing is safe from them.
The rumbling thunder is getting louder like a massive orchestra
slowly moving towards you.
Conquer your fear, listen to your heartbeat slowing down
match your breathing to the beat, slower and slower.
Don't be scared.
Slowly drift away, let the memories of your life run down your cheek,
following the tears down to your chin.
Don't worry about anything, you did the best you could.
A smile creeps across your face as you remember the good times,
there weren't many, but at least you had some.
You had a hard life, but you enjoyed it.
Let it out, don't fight the tears, its natural to find it so hard to say goodbye.
Soon you will have no more fear, no more pain and suffering.
It wont matter what people say or do to you,
You wouldn't care if you are loved or not,
You will no longer hurt so much inside,
The lies they told will slowly disappear along with everything else.
You forgot about some of the memories flooding your mind now,
some happened a long time ago,
Some very recently, but somehow they still hurt, no matter when it was.
Trying to make it through every day knowing things you weren't supposed to know,
took it's toll on you, at least you will not miss crying in your sleep.
You take a last deep breath,
God you love the smell of rain,
Why didn't the rain wash away your problems?
why did you have to feel all this pain?
Why did you have to go through this all alone?
Why do people think you don't get hurt?
Why all the lies!
Did they think you would not find out?
Getting angry now is pointless, they don't care,
they never have.
All that is fading now,
with every beat of your broken heart,
with every breath from your lungs,
the pain and everything else, slipping away,
The memories and the heartache flowing away with your tears.
All that is left now is for you to listen to the sounds as you drift away,
Smell the rain as it washes the world clean once again
Hoping that someone else will not have what you had in your life,
Praying that the people left behind, the people that have hurt you so much,
realizes the most important thing of all.
That you loved them!!!