The Dark Side of a Mind...

Today something happened that made me rethink who i am, what i am and how others see me. I am not going to to say what, but i realized i have to say the following.
Most people that know me are aware that i suffer from depression, that i am a difficult person to read and to get to know. Many see me making jokes, smiling and being a jack ass and make their own assumptions. But its also clear to me now that there are many more who do not know what i am or what i am dealing with. And by writing this i hope to accomplish two things,

 One: Try and explain whats going on in my mind
Two: Open up myself for the world to see...

The last few years have been hard for me, mentally, physically and emotionally i am drained, tired to the point where its difficult to motivate myself to do many things.
I was asked a few days ago to write a piece of what happiness means to me, how i see it.
I sat down in front of my computer eager to start this challenge, to prove to myself that i am capable of more than i think.
I sat there for what seems like an eternity, yet i was not able to express what i am feeling. Its difficult for me to do that anyway, but writing it down was especially hard...and that surprised me.

You must understand, its very difficult to express yourself in words when you don't know what you are feeling. I can be happy one minute and a few seconds or minutes later all those feelings gets replaced with dark thoughts, anger and a bunch of other feelings that i do not yet understand. A small problem could escalate into a massive mental problem for me, simply because my mind always goes to its dark and gloomy place, and that is something i don't have control over.
I often feel like i am invisible to other people, like i am starting at the world though a big window, watching everyone live their lives, yet i am not apart of it. I know that it is not like that in real life, the problem is that the human brain is a powerful thing. It can make you believe or feel something even if you know its not the truth.

Its not all bad days though. Mostly i live a normal "happy" life, or as happy as i allow my self to be anyway. I know all to well that it can change at any minute, no warning, now signs that it will happen, it just does.
People have this idea in their heads that someone that is depressed will have doom and gloom on their minds 24/7. They could not be more wrong. I don't sit around and look for things to feel bad about, i don't wish for bad things to happen just so i can feel better, and i don't have the urge to hurt anyone or anything just because i am feeling down. For the most part i live a normal life. I am not a violent person, i have never been violent. I don't drink, i don't do drugs, i am a good person for all intensive purposes. The problem is that my brain doesn't always agree with it.

I know exactly when my problem began and what caused it. I was as normal as anyone reading this before i was told that my sister just died. It was downhill from that moment on. That night changed my life forever. Losing my sister meant losing my hope and my faith, something that i have not been able to get back no matter how hard i try. It caused me to pull away from my friends and family, in my mind if i wasn't that close then i wouldn't get hurt again. I know that's not how it works, but that is how i see things. It amplified my fears and what i think people think of me. The direct result of that night is a rift between me and the rest of the world, a barrier that i am unable to cross.

I have always been close to my mother for as long as i can remember, i love her, she is my best friend and probably one of the people that knows me the best. My dad and I, well that's another story. We have never been close, and i do not think we will ever be. I know my dad sees me as a disappointment, and i also know that the fact that i am Gay has a lot to do with that. We simply just can not sit down and have a normal conversation, being around him is like being around strangers, you never know what to do or say.

I start my day like any other person, i do normal things, but somewhere during the day my thoughts start to creep towards the dark and scary place that not many people ever see. From the outside i look happy, i joke, i smile and i carry on like the rest. Its inside that i am fighting a constant battle, a battle that is harder to win on some days than others. Self hate, anger, emotional outbursts, those are just some of what i have to keep under control almost every single day of my life. I`ve lost count how many times i just burst out in tears, so desperate to be myself yet it feels like the entire world is working against me to prevent that from happening. When I'm supposed to be sleeping my mind is a never ending debate where any action i did gets discussed, who did i disappoint, why do you allow people to use you etc. Its a debate that never ends. You always feel like you are not good enough, that, you let someone down, that you didn't do enough.

Its tiring second guessing your every move. More times than i would like to admit, my mind wanders into thoughts that no person should ever have, the feeling that the rest would be better off if you were not there eventually creeps into your mind. Its like a cancer, its small at first but if left alone it will consume you and fast! Suicide is never the answer, yet your brain constantly tries to make you believe that it will make every thing better. I have thought of many different ways to kill myself, every possible way imaginable, at one stage or another my brain took me there and it still does.

Luckily for me i started doing something i love, photography and music is what keeps me grounded and sorts the facts from the fiction. I am not a quitter, i don't give up easily and suicide is never the solution no matter how much better its seems.

I know many people will ask what the point of this post was, well its easy, its to show you that as happy as someone might seem, you never know what they feel inside. Jokes, a smile or even wealth does not show you who someone really is. Fooling another person is easy, being honest with yourself is not. Never give in to your thought and feelings, never assume that there is no way out, there is always a way out. Speaking to someone or write it down like i am doing now is a way to get back to reality. You cant pretend that it will go away if you ignore it, it will consume you if you try. If you are beyond that point, then seek help, family, friend or stranger if you need to, fuck, email me if you need to have a chat. I lost it today, i almost gave up. Don't let that be you! Don't let it get to the point where you cry yourself asleep. Where hate takes over your heart. I am leaving you with something i wrote a long time ago, it now serves as a reminder that never ever go back to that place. when i wrote that i was preparing myself for the worst...

Drifting Away

Lie back, close your eyes, do you hear that?
You love that smell, its raining.
Suddenly the world is beautiful, its wet, and full of life.
Raindrops dance across the grounds, nothing is safe from them.
The rumbling thunder is getting louder like a massive orchestra
slowly moving towards you.

Conquer your fear, listen to your heartbeat slowing down
match your breathing to the beat, slower and slower.
Don't be scared.
Slowly drift away, let the memories of your life run down your cheek,
following the tears down to your chin.

Don't worry about anything, you did the best you could.
A smile creeps across your face as you remember the good times,
there weren't many, but at least you had some.
You had a hard life, but you enjoyed it.
Let it out, don't fight the tears, its natural to find it so hard to say goodbye.

Soon you will have no more fear, no more pain and suffering.
It wont matter what people say or do to you,
You wouldn't care if you are loved or not,
You will no longer hurt so much inside,
The lies they told will slowly disappear along with everything else.

You forgot about some of the memories flooding your mind now,
some happened a long time ago,
Some very recently, but somehow they still hurt, no matter when it was.
Trying to make it through every day knowing things you weren't supposed to know,
took it's toll on you, at least you will not miss crying in your sleep.

You take a last deep breath,
God you love the smell of rain,
Why didn't the rain wash away your problems?
why did you have to feel all this pain?
Why did you have to go through this all alone?

Why do people think you don't get hurt?
Why all the lies!
Did they think you would not find out?
Getting angry now is pointless, they don't care,
they never have.

All that is fading now,
with every beat of your broken heart,
with every breath from your lungs,
the pain and everything else, slipping away,
The memories and the heartache flowing away with your tears.

All that is left now is for you to listen to the sounds as you drift away,
Smell the rain as it washes the world clean once again
Hoping that someone else will not have what you had in your life,
Praying that the people left behind, the people that have hurt you so much,
realizes the most important thing of all.

That you loved them!!!

Pink Loerie Mardi Gras & Arts Festival

The Knysna Pink Loerie Mardi Gras & Arts Festival has literally been painting the town of Knysna pink since 2000. Now in its 13th year, this very popular and highly colourful annual festival is a highlight on the international and local LGBTI - and straight - calendar. The Knysna Pink Loerie Mardi Gras & Arts Festival offers five days of non-stop entertainment, shows, mini-market and outrageous fun. The event takes place from 1 - 5 May 2013. The theme this year is 'Wicked Wonderland' and is brought to you by Globeflight.
Knysna is a very popular tourist destination and has earned the coveted title of officially being “South Africa’s Favourite Town of the year” (twice in a row). During the Pink Loerie Mardi Gras the entire town of Knysna, visitors, locals and businesses partake in a festival that highlights diverse lifestyles.

From all over South Africa and abroad, thousands of like-minded people absorb the carnival atmosphere for five days culminating in the street parade on Sat. 4 May at 3 pm. The Knysna Pink Loerie Mardi Gras is getting bigger, better and more outrageous by the year. It is a unique experience not to be missed!

Events taking place around the festival include drag shows, the Mr / Miss / Me Mardi Gras competitions, Best Window Display competition, the popular arts festival with Bruce Little's 'Little Poof' presented by Manhunt returning, VIP dinner, Charity Drive and of course the main street parade followed by an after-party featuring DJs Catherine from 5fm, Kevin Grenfell from EMI, DJ Ari and more.

A new edition is the well-known Therapy brand doing a recovery party on Sunday 5 May from noon at Zanzibar with DJ Stuart H. The Pink Loerie VIP dinner (where Emile Minnie and Godfrey Johnson will be doing the entertainment) will be attended by the Mayor and the Speaker, Mr. Gay World Andreas Derleth, all the way from New Zealand and no less than three Mr. Gay South Africas, Mr Mardi Gras 2011 and 2012 and various other luminaries. A three course 5 star meal incl. complimentary Barefoot Wine is offered and takes place on Friday 3 April at Simola Country Club - only R220 per person. (Mail dinner@pinkloerie.co.za to book.)



For a full programme of the festival, see here: http://pinkloerie.co.za/wptest/wp350/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Pink-Loerie-2013-Programme1.pdf
 

Website: www.pinkloerie.co.za
Entry forms: see www.pinkloerie.zo.za 'Forms' header.

Jo`burg pride Shut down!

Johannesburg, South Africa, 3 April 2013: The board of Joburg Gay Pride Festival Company (JGPFC) has voted to wind up the Section 21 (not-for-profit) company that has produced Joburg Pride over the past seven years. JGPFC was voluntarily wound up by unanimous resolution at a board meeting held on Wednesday, 13 March 2013. As such, the Joburg Gay Pride Festival Company will cease operation from 26 April 2013.

“It was a very big decision, and one that didn’t come easily,” says board member Samantha Durkin. “We have been successfully running Joburg Pride for the past seven years, growing it from a one-day event that attracted a few thousand participants into a multifaceted event over three days, including an evening programme, which has been attracting crowds of more than 20,000. It became increasingly time-demanding and operationally complicated over the past few years, especially as it’s been run by a board of volunteers who’ve contributed their skills, time, networks and contacts, with virtually all of Joburg Pride’s planning taking place after hours.”

“Looking back, we have a lot to be proud of,” says Durkin, “as we’ve supported the work of a number of worthy causes and charities over the years and have enjoyed the support of the local and international LGBTI community, as well as the support of great local and international artists, and greatly-appreciated sponsorship from a number of blue chip companies.”

Board member Fulvio De Stefanis says a number of challenges influenced the board’s decision, including the loss of the Zoo Lake Sports Club as a venue to host the event due to security risks, the loss of support by the South African Police Services (SAPS), as well as the loss of support by the two local ward councillors for the event to happen in their precinct.

“Joburg Pride been a passion project for each of our volunteer board members,” says De Stefanis.
“It’s been our way to try to help unite a very diverse LGBTI community, while building an annual event designed to have far-reaching positive impact on Johannesburg’s tourism and entertainment industries and showcasing the ground-breaking work by South Africa’s burgeoning NGO, arts and culture sectors. ”

“The interruption of last year’s Joburg Pride march by the activist group 1-in-9 was also a factor in our reasoning,” says De Stefanis. “1-in-9’s unfortunate interruption of Pride 2012 shifted the event from a low-risk event into a high-risk category, which would negatively impact on our operational structures and budgets going forward. It provided great short-term publicity for 1-in-9, but created far-reaching negative publicity for Joburg Pride. It’s ironic, as we agreed with their message – but not their medium, as it obviously negated our work over the past seven years, while providing a hint of potential operational and security risks – something we’ve always been prepared for, but never had to previously deal with on such a scale. Ultimately, all of these factors combined would impact on the time and financial limitations of the board,” says De Stefanis. “We assessed the financial and security risks against our collective personal obligation to
produce a safe and inclusive event that’s also creatively rewarding and financially viable – something that Africa’s powerhouse, Johannesburg, certainly deserves. After careful consideration we are, unfortunately, unable to guarantee meeting those obligations in the future.”

JOBURG PRIDE HISTORY
Africa’s first-ever Pride march took place in Johannesburg in 1989, with its roots firmly founded in human rights activism. The first Pride march saw around 1 000 brave activists assembling outside of the offices of the South African Institute of Race Relations in Braamfontein, before marching through Hillbrow and the Joburg city centre, many of them wearing masks or paper bags to cover their faces. Since then, Joburg Pride grew into the African continent’s oldest and biggest (and loudest and proudest) Pride march, attracting tens of thousands of supporter every year from throughout metro Joburg and Pretoria, as well as visitors from around the country, the continent and the world.

As noted in the definitive book outlining Joburg Pride’s history [Pride: Protest and Celebration, edited by Shaun de Waal and Anthony Manion; Jacana Media 2006], the first Joburg Pride took place on 13 October 1990, organised by the Gay & Lesbian Organisation of the Witwatersrand (GLOW), which was headed by the legendary Johannesburg-based human rights, anti-apartheid and AIDS activist, Simon Nkoli. In his famous pre-march address at the first Joburg Pride, Nkoli said, “This is what I say to my comrades in the struggle when they ask why I waste time fighting for ‘moffies’, this is what I say to gay men and lesbians who ask me why I spend so much time struggling against apartheid when I should be fighting for gay rights. I am black and I am gay. I cannot separate the two parts of me into secondary or primary struggles. In South Africa, I am oppressed because I am a black man and I am oppressed because I am gay. So when I fight for my freedom I must fight against both oppressions. All those who believe in a democratic South Africa must fight against all oppression, all intolerance, all injustice.” Nkoli passed away in 1998, but his work continues, his torch carried by a new generation.

Of course, like the city and country around it, Joburg Pride changed over the years – with dizzying highs and discouraging lows, occasionally changing organisers and attendant support bases, with new routes and updated themes. It was an organic product and process, carefully grown and finely balanced between the varying needs and interests of a diverse LGBTI community that’s spread out over a vast geographical area. Since 2007 Joburg Pride was organised by the Joburg Gay Pride Festival Company (JGPFC), a Section 21 (not-for-profit) company, that was run by a board of volunteers who donated their time, skills and energies in an endeavour to best address the LGBTI community’s needs, interests and requests – againsta back-drop of Pride’s sustainability and financial viability.

Since those early days, Joburg Pride has grown into powerful brand in its own right, attracting the support of big business over the years including Jacaranda 94.2, Play Energy Drink (Coca-Cola), SAB-Miller, Cell C, Lufthansa, Swiss Air and DGB. While Joburg Pride’s foundational past is acknowledged and celebrated, it’s constructing the future that’s most dreamt about and anticipated. Tomorrow will be better than today – it’s a concept that must be built upon for Joburg Pride, and for South Africa.

Concludes De Stefanis, “We trust interested parties in the LBGTI community will work together and perhaps form an organising body to take Joburg Pride’s legacy forward. We trust members of the community will keep the torch burning, building on this board’s hard work over the past seven years to grow Joburg Pride into an international event, as well building on the pioneering work done by countless individuals and teams since Pride’s inception nearly a quarter of a century ago. Looking ahead, it’s a well-known fact that South Africa’s LGBTI community is relatively powerful, extremely creative and tenaciously resourceful. Accordingly, we look forward to seeing what grows from the event we’ve built upon over the past seven years.”

Gay to Str8 Dictionary

175 - slang term for a gay male, the same number was used to identify homosexuals in the Nazi Germany concentration camps.
4-real - term for someone who wants a real and lasting relationship.
Abareskin - embarrassing.
Abigail - an older gay male who hasn’t yet come out.
Absolute code - idea dating back to the 1950s where friends don’t out each other to others.
Ace gear - homosexual willing to try anything.
Active - person who takes the top position during sexual intercourse.
AIDS Terrorist - someone who has unprotected sex after being diagnosed with AIDS.
Andro Lesbian - lesbian who looks both male and female.
Angel - passive person in a sexual relationship.
Auntie - older gay male, usually feminine.
basket - the bulge of male genitals through clothes  
Baby butch - a masculine lesbian of a young age.
Baby lesbian - a lesbian 25 years old or younger.
Bareback - sex without protection.
Barbie - a drag queen that acts flighty.
Bean Queen - derogatory term for a drag queen of Hispanic origins.
Bottom - submissive in a relationship.
Bull or Bulldagger - lesbian with masculine qualities and features.
Cake Boy - homosexual man.
Chapstick Lesbian - lesbian athlete, refers to the fact that others believe the only form of makeup they wear is Chapstick.
Chicken - a younger gay man who looks for older men.
Closet - hidden secret, usually referring to a person’s homosexuality.
Closet case - a homosexual who frequently worries about what others think if they reveal their lifestyle.
Diesel Lesbian - lesbian who dresses like a male truck driver.
Dom - partner in a sexual relationships who likes controlling their partner.
Fab - shortened term meaning fabulous.
Flaming - gay male who acts flamboyant and feminine.
Flannel shirt lesbian - lesbian women who prefer the outdoors and often wear flannel shirts.
Flipping - turning a dominant into a submissive or vice-versa.
Gaydar - slang term for the ability to identify other homosexuals.
Gold star - homosexual person who never sleeps with a person of the opposite sex or anyone who has.
In the life - a person who announces their homosexuality and lives in a gay community.
Lacy - extremely feminine gay male.
Lipstick lesbian - highly feminine lesbian.
Outed - having someone else announce a person’s homosexuality before the individual can.
PC lesbian - lesbian that acts politically correct in public and private.
Play - sexual activity that takes the form of bondage or S&M.
Sapphic - lesbian.
Saturday Night Lesbian - woman who acts straight during the week.
Scene - any type of unusual sexual activity.
Smurf - young gay men with blonde hair and a negative or rough attitude.
Stone lesbian - lesbian with a strong masculine look, may even look like a man to others.
Submissive - someone who likes their partner to take control.
Switch - person who acts as both a submissive and dominant and switches back and forth.
Top - dominant person in a sexual relationship.
Twinkie - pretty and shallow homosexual, often flighty or lacking in substance.
U-Hauls - lesbians who fall in love and move in together within a few dates.
Vanilla - plain, ordinary or boring sexual activities.
Mind4 -Persistent with the idea of homosexual behavior. Internet slang for anything undesired, outdated, lame, or queer. Can be used as an insult or a proclamation. Typically used to classify someone as a lifeless bag of douche.

Ex. 1:"Dude, that child molestor had a mind4 little boys"
Ex. 2:"You know how I know you're gay? Your screen name is mind4"

homolol - A combination of the term homo (short for homosexual) and the internet slang "lol" (laughing out load).

Afterhours - where you go when the bars are closed, and you still haven't found someone to sleep with (or you're not high enough)
Baggage - the excuse people use to punish their current boyfriends for things that their past boyfriends have done to them
Beefy - a well built guy lacking muscular definition, but nonetheless attractive and appealing. see Jock
BiCurious - gay
Bisexual - gay
Bitter - what all gay men are destined to become. Caused by drama and stress (see below).
Bottom - sexual position preferred by 95% of the gay population
B-yotch - what some fags consider a much cooler way of saying "bitch"
Butch - what gay men who don't think they act gay call themselves. Actual butch men will never need to use this term.
Coke - 1) Soft drink beverage most gay men mix with rum, whiskey, or vodka (only when really drunk). 2) Illegal narcotic imported from Columbia but illegal in the United States; gay man's favorite.
Cuddle - sexual activity in which there is no exchange of bodily fluid
Drama - an imaginary condition made up by sad, lonely individuals with no real problems in their life who feel the need to drag stabile, well-balanced individuals who are trying to make a valuable contribution to society down to their level in hopes of making themselves feel better.
Ex - 1) anyone you've slept with more than once. 2) a club drug popular in the late 90's.
Excedrin - what every gay man should have in his medicine cabinet
Fag - You
Foam - not sure anymore, as we haven't seen it in over a year
Forward - the geographical direction in front of you. ex: "Go forward." not: "Go straight."
Gaylights - an unnatural highlighting of the hair that no straight man would be caught dead with.
Gurl - the first word of every sentence. "Gurl, you 'bout ready to go?",
"Gurl, I haven't had sex in 3 days!"
Gym Bunny - a troll who has realized that his only chance of getting laid is to work out every day.
Hayyy - a greeting. The gayer you are, the more Y's you put at the end.
Hoe - see Whore
Homewrecker - the person who stole your ex (definition 1).
Homo - you
Issues - see Baggage
Jacked -- term used to describe the ugly attributes of another person.
Jock - a well built, athletic looking gay guy with attractive, masculine qualities.
Jockular - see Jock
Mullet - hairstyle utilized by lesbians to make themselves easily identifiable to other lesbians.
Muscle Boy - 1) a well built guy commonly synonymous with clubbing, dancing all night, narcotic consuming, while leading a narcissitic and shallow existence. 2) see Beefy; Jock
Nellie - 1) Harriet Olsen's daughter on Little House on the Prarie 2) nickname for the Loch Ness monster 3) not butch

Omaha Diet - unnatural weight loss caused by non-prescription medications. Also known as Jenny Crank.
One Night Stand - a very short-term relationship, the end of which is signified by someone putting on their pants.
Philson Sex - sexual activity in which everybody wants to get off, but nobody does. Enables you to have a one night stand without actually becoming classified as a whore, yet still significantly more intensive than cuddling.
Power Dyke - 1) a successful and wealthy lesbian 2) a lesbian with a mullet who hates both straight and gay men.
Rough Trade - a one night stand that you will later pretend never happened.
Shot - when you need to get drunker faster
Stress - an non-imaginary condition brought on by the drama of others
Top - see Bottom
Trade - what you bring home from the bar, paid for in services rendered.
Troll - anyone older than you that wants you to gohome with them.
Trick - see Trade
Twink - a young gay boy with no muscular, or sinewy, build whatsoever, rarely eats, and perhaps consumes narcotics to maintain his petite "physique." Resembles an emaciated supermodel.
Twit - anyone younger than you that won't go home with you.
Twelve - how old you are if you're not 21
Unemployed - what most fags have to list as their current occupation on job applications
Universe 1) the area of space contained within a 3 foot diameter of every gay man. 2) a club no longer open in San Francisco where muscle boys reigned and danced with Betty Crank into the wee hours of the morning.
Versatile - glorified Bottom (but will top if absolutely necessary)
Whore - anyone who has more sex than you
Zima - for fags who are afraid that a brown bottle will clash with what they're wearing.