Thursday, 14 November 2013

Men's Rules: A guide for women

Women should learn these.

*Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

*Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

*Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

*Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

*Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

*Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

*We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

*Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

*Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

*Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

*A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

*Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

*If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

*If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

*If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

*Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

*You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

*Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

*Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

*The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

*ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

*If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

*We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

*If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

*If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

*Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

*Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

*BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

*Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

Monday, 11 November 2013

Internet Password Rage Explained

—Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
—No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
—You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
—No, you must get a new one.
I don’t want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
—Sorry, you must get a new one.

OK, roses
—Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
—No good, you must use at least one numerical space.
OK, 1 pretty rose
—Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
—Sorry, you must use additional spaces.
OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
—Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
—Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
—Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK,  1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon’tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
—Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

50 ways to liven up your working day at the office

Liven up your day in the office with a set of fun challenges that will set you on the path to finding a new place of work.
1. Grow yourself a keyboard lawn 

2. Devise an entertaining ‘Out Of Office’ reply

3. Champion a corporate Green Policy 

4. Stare mindlessly at the sunbathing robots on the adjoining roof

5. Create an entertaining poster

6. Customise your workspace

7. Print this out and stick it on the photocopier. Wait and watch. 

8. Hold a MEETING! [via]

9. When she’s out for a meeting – relocate the contents of boss’s office.

10. Always take phone messages

11. Hone your topiary skills in the company car park 

12. Get creative with the stationery 

13. Dream about landing a more interesting job [via]

14. Surf the web

15. Redefine office job descriptions

16. Work out how to hack the office CCTV system

17. Have fun in corridors

18. Draw-up an realistic work schedule

19. Make shadow puppets
20. Leave a thoughtful gift on a colleague’s desk 

21. Text a colleague. Say ‘You better come back to the office. You’ve been given a signicant raise.’

22. Bake someone a leaving cake

23. Troll the photocopier 

24. Attempt to restore karma

 25. Refuse to tolerate pranks..

26. However – DO dole them out to others

27. Deal with unwanted lorries that block your natural light in the following manner..

28. Deal with complaints made against you 

29. Go to work dressed as a tomato. [via Facebook]

30. Leave a surprise in the kitchen 

31. Take some time to appreciate how office friendships work

32. Deal with fridge theft appropriately

33. Surf the web again – but careful not to get caught on camera during media visits

34. Combat toilet hygiene issues

35. Have a word with the office manager about the desk lay-out

36. DO NOT allow people to use the fire exits

37. Deal with poor typography issues swiftly

38. Make the necessary preparations for inter-desk conflict 

39. When your boss asks you to follow him into his office do this.

40. Use natural office resources to create entertainment

41. Try these dares
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, ‘Sorry, I really prefer it this way’.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in the lift with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with ‘…in accordance with the prophecy.’
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
1. Say to your boss, ‘I like your style’, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ‘email!’
5. Put decaf in the coffee machine for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole-punching your finger. Each time you do, shout ‘damnit, it’s happened again!’ Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as ‘the office bike’. Then wink and pout.
8. Call the I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Roger’.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you ‘really have to go do a number two’.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ‘she can abort it for all I care.’
6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, ‘Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!’
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, ‘As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!’
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: ‘Do you hear that?’ ‘What?’ ‘Never mind, it’s gone now.’
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. While a colleague is writing, grab their pen and throw it out of the nearest open window.
42. Change your manager’s desk plate 

43. Acquire an entertaining tie44. Offer to help out in the I.T Department for the day

45. Familiarise yourself with the latest office jargon 
A Mills and Doom – doomed office romance
Adhocracy - a department with little to no process or organisational ability
Administrivia – vitally important stuff that managers leave to everyone else
Agenda Bender - a co-worker who is easily side-tracked in meetings.
Al desco dining – eating at your desk. See also Deskfast
Blamestorming – a meeting in which a scapegoat is identified for causing a problem
Blownus – the money which would have gone on paying bonuses that was spent on the directors xmas lunch
Brandalism – sticking company logos on everything and anything
A Buellerlemic – an employee addicted to throwing a sickie
Chainsaw Consultant – an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count
Chartist – an accountant with a deep love of graphs
Chinese holiday - taking a five minute break by faking the need for the loo and just sitting on a china latrine, head in hands
Clapathy – not caring enough about what you’ve just seen to applaud
Communicaking – a session where employers encourage staff to network with colleagues by bribing them with coffee and donuts
Crapplicant – an applicant that’s crap.
Credit munch – switching to a cheaper lunch
Cybernating – snoozing at your computer
Decruiting – firing someone
Deja-moo – bullshit that you’ve heard before
Delegut - A representative at a conference whose sole contribution seems to be that of demolishing the lunch buffet.
Desk jockey – office-based employee
Deskfast - eating your breakfast at your desk (via @GriffySavalas)
Dracula shift – Going to work in the dark. Going home in the dark
The Dopeler effect: Tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly (via
Ego-Surfing – Searching Google for instances of your name.
Flashturbation – self-congratulatory and excessive use of animation in Powerpoint
Fleemail. Email delegating responsibilities whilst avoiding confrontation, sent just as your boss is about to leave
A Friday FOE. Someone who tends to leave early for the weekend. (ie Fucks Off Early)
Goat rodeo – an embarrassing meeting
Googlenosis – looking up symptoms on the web to make your sickie more believable. 
Google Zoo – when an entire office is pretending to work
Horizontal Promotion: climbing the career ladder while laying on your back.
Incompitemp Temporary office drone. Serving only to drain budgets and wreak havoc. Possibly offset by tea making skills.
iTea department – a group of individuals who break up their day with excessive kitchen loitering. 
Kebab manoeuvre – packing up low quality products, heavily marketing them and selling at an elevated price
Lynx Minx – A female who brings improvements in personal hygiene in male staff
A Middleton – posh, pretty dimwit in the marketing dept who is only killing time until she marries into money  
Mushroom Management. Keeping staff  in the dark and covered in shit.
Open Kimono – throwing an idea out, but being open to criticism
Parliamentary bonus - act of wrongly claiming expenses to get more money
Pope-ing it – when losing the real argument during a meeting, to take the moral high ground
Putting socks on an octopus – an impossible task
Randy Pogo – someone who jumps around the office trying to get laid
Ricky Malaise – The discomfort felt when someone attempts a David Brent impersonation
Ronnie Bics -  the great stationery cupboard robber
Scatisfaction - the smug feeling one gets whilst taking an extended dump on company time
Shirking from home
Special Projects Manager = dead man walking
Special sauce – adding a low-cost ingredient to a poor product and achieving a 500% mark-up
Stroperator – the mardy bitch on reception with an over-inflated sense of importance.
Teahydrated – the urge, nay the need for tea
Teflon Shoulders - nickname for co-worker who offloads work to others, a drop of the shoulder and it slides off onto someone else
T.W.A.T - a person who doesn’t work Monday or Friday – only Tue Wed And Thu

Wallpapering fog – a pointless exercise
Zombie project – an initiative that keeps coming back to life no matter how many previous attempts to kill it
46. Because paper jams are ‘hilarious’ 

47. Take up Rowing

48. Desperation sets in…
49. Nearly home time

50. Write farewell email. Hit send.