Sunday, 8 December 2013

Ten Things I’ve Learned From Having A Penis

  1. Adjusting is a critical action throughout a man’s day. You don’t want your balls to get crushed, you don’t want to sit on your balls, you don’t want anything getting too warm/sweaty/itchy/squishy/bumpy/inappropriately erect.
  2. Most of my other body parts don’t care too much if I pay attention to them. They are like having lizards for pets. They just lounge around, doing their lizard-y things. A hand will pick something up…”opposable thumbs, no big deal.” A bum is just a nice pillow, it sticks to its knitting. A penis, on the other hand, does everything it can to get in the way. You have to be aware of it when you’re playing sports, because God forbid a ball hits it! A basketball hits your shoulder, it’s like…whatever. But your penis makes such a big deal! And then, even when you’re just sitting on the bus, it’ll sometimes poke up and say “hi” for no goddamn reason at all.
  3. There are people who think shaving their balls is a good idea. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in favour of trimming, but my experience with shaving is…well….just don’t do it. That’s my advice. Not without a trained professional around. Balls are generally just hanging sacks of loose skin. Does it make any sense to put an unguarded razor anywhere near those balls?
  4. It makes me very uncomfortable to think of sharp things around my penis. Knives, needles, pins, whatever. Chainsaws. So I really can’t understand people who get a Prince Albert.
  5.  I am anti-circumcision. 
  6. As men, we spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about the size of our penises, but I think it’s true that size doesn’t matter, as long as you can find another thing to be proud of. So, maybe you have girth. Or it’s incredibly straight. Or maybe you can do a special thing with it, like…a muscle thing…where you kind of focus, and you can sort of make it bounce…guys, you know what I’m talking about here.
  7. 10 year old boys don’t necessarily need a full and graphic sex talk, but they do need to be shown an illustration that shows an illustration of a penis and a photograph of sweatpants with a huge red circle around them and a red diagonal line through. That picture would have saved me so much torment…….
  8. We guys often treat our penises poorly. We don’t give them the respect they deserve. So a message to the men out there: please, if you love your penis, masturbate with respect. Avoid the Kung Fu grip.
  9. When teenage boys are in pools, and they press up against the jets…it’s because they like how it feels. I’ve done it, every guy has done it let’s face it. That action is the purest expression of our core motivation, our id. We want to press up against things because we like how it feels. Wars have been won and lost thanks to this behaviour.
  10. Sometimes you go pee and the pee comes out in two streams instead of one for the first little while, and you get confused. It’s ok. The flow was probably just disrupted because of some hardened ejaculate or other material! Either that or you have a bifurcated penis, like a snake’s tongue!!  

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